Archive for August 19th, 2008

They Fit?!

I hate shopping for new pants, especially since I got married and put on, almost literally, a ton of weight. Based on some of my postings I suppose it’s not hard to tell how THAT happened.

I’ve had the same jeans for the past 2 years. Four pair of them:

Pair #1: Too short and too big. I have to buy them long or else they fit into the “Noah” category. Noah built an ark – I buy my pants too short. We’re both getting ready for a flood. I also bought these ones a size bigger than the others so that just in case I got fatter I could still fit in something. I never got big enough to truly fit in these jeans (thank goodness) but I wear them anyway when the others are dirty.

Pair #2: Also too short but fit just fine. These ones look fine with a pair of flip-flops but with regular tennis-shoes they look ridiculous. There’s a line in a movie called Hard Ball that is fitting for my “too short” jeans. It went something like, “Why don’t you invite your pants down to your shoes so they can have a party?” Every time I put a pair of jeans on that’s too short that line goes through my head.

Pair #3: Also too short (they were seriously the only ones I could find at the time) but fit just fine. They also have these strange pockets on the back that used to snap shut. They got left a little too long in the washing machine once and the snaps stained the jeans with rust. One of the snaps fell off and the other one is bent beyond being usable. No idea how that happened?? I still wear them. I don’t really have a choice. And they do fit pretty well.

Pair #4: These jeans are long enough, almost too long, but too big. Whenever I wear them I look like I’m, as my mom would have put it in my teenage years, carrying a load in my pants. I don’t know how they got to be so big. They used to fit just fine. I even started putting them in the dryer (which I NEVER do with jeans) so that they would shrink down just a bit so I could wear them. They fit fine in the morning when I put them on, but by lunch I’m constantly pulling them up and wishing I had worn something else.

I’ve been putting up with these jeans for far too long. It wasn’t an issue until a couple of weeks ago when I took a new position at work that requires that I go out and check the production lines to quality check the product being made. I’m not going to wear nice clothes to do that. Not to mention the fact that a pair of nice dress pants looks pretty silly with a pair of sneakers. I’m not going to even apologize to anyone reading this who might dress that way. There’s nothing you can tell me that will convince me that sneakers worn with slacks is acceptable. Ug.

ANYWAY… I went to WalMart today to buy some new jeans. Ironically, WalMart is the only place in the entire country so far where I’ve been able to find pants that are (1) long enough and (2) not cut for someone with a waist the size of Texas and hips the size of New Hampshire. Don’t retailers know by now that women usually have smaller waists than hips? Or maybe it’s just me…

Gosh, again, ANYWAY… I pulled three pair from the rack, or stack, whatever. I pulled two in the size that I wanted to fit into (because they’re a size smaller than the ones I already do) and 1 pair that I thought was going to be the one I would have to buy. Then I wandered around looking at other things, putting off the inevitable encounter with the “fat mirror” that lives in every single dressing room in America. I finally went into the stall and tried on the slip I’d picked up. It fit. And there was no more time to put it off any longer. I grabbed the first pair of jeans and yanked. Or rather gently pulled. SERIOUSLY?! They totally fit! I was so shocked I just stood there contemplating whether to tell the crabby dressing-room-attendant to call 911 because I was surely hallucinating.

I waited for a couple of minutes, double checked the tag and when I was sure I was really seeing what I thought I was seeing, I took them off and pulled on the other pair. Surely this was just a fluke. HOLY SMOKES! TWO IN ONE DAY?! What are the chances?! I didn’t want to find out what the odds actually were. I quickly pulled them off and ran to the checkout, then out to my car, sped home and stuck them safely in the laundry hoping that they still fit when them come out.


(I know you can’t see me, but I’m jumping up and down!)